So, OK, you're probably going,
"ls this a Noxema commercial or what?"
But seriously, I have a way normal lile lor a teenage girl.
I get up, I brush my teeth,
and I pick out my school clothes.
Daddy's a litigator.
Those are the scariest kinds ol lawyers.
Even Lucy, our maid, is terrilied ol him.
Daddy gets $500 an hour to light with people.
He lights with me lor lree.
Daddy!
- Cher, not the juice again. - Daddy, you need vitamin C.
Where's my brielcase?
It's been a while so I said we'd go to Malibu.
Don't tell me those lowliles have been calling again.
They ARE your parents.
And Dr Lovett's coming by to give you a llu shot.
- Josh is coming lor dinner. - Why?
He's your stepbrother!
You were hardly married to his mother.
Why do I have to see Josh?
You divorce wives, not children.
- Here. - Forget it!
See the loqued out Jeep Daddy got me?
It's got lour-wheel drive, side airbags,
and a monster sound system.
I don't have a licence yet, I'm learning on it.
Boy! That came out ol nowhere!
Here's where Dionne lives.
She's my lriend because we both have people jealous ol us.
Girllriend!
I must give her snaps lor her courageous lashion ellorts.
Hey, Cher.
Dionne and I were both named alter singers
who now do inlomercials.
- So? - Been shopping with Dr Seuss?
I wouldn't skin a collie for a backpack.
It's faux.
Hello(?) That was a stop sign.
I totally paused.
Yeah, OK(!)
It's not even 8:.30, and Murray is paging me.
He is so possessive.
This weekend he called me and asked, "Where were you today?"
Dionne and her boylriend Murray have a dramatic relationship -
they've seen that lke and Tina Turner movie too many times!
Now I have to say to her...
Why do you put up with it? You could do better.
Shh. Here he comes.
Woman, why don't you answer me?
- I hate being called woman. - You jeepin' behind my back?
Jeepin'?! No!
But speaking of vehicular sex,
can you explain how this hair extension got into your car?
I don't know where that came lrom.
- That looks like yours. - I do not wear polyester hair!
Unlike Shawanna.
Dee, I'm audi.
Bye.
That's it. I've had it with you.
Is it that time ol the month again?
I don't know why Dionne's going out with a high-school boy.
They're like dogs - you have to clean them and leed them.
They're nervous creatures that jump and slobber all over you.
Get oll ol me!
Oh, as lF!
Should all oppressed people be allowed reluge in America?
Amber will take the con position.
Cher will be pro.
Cher, two minutes.
So. OK.
Like, right now, lor example,
the Haiti-ans need to come to America.
Some people are all,
"What about the strain on our resources?"
But I had this garden party lor my lather's birthday, right?
I said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.
But people came that, like, did not RSVP,
so I was, like, totally buggin'.
I had to haul ass to the kitchen,
redistribute the lood, squish in extra place settings.
By the end ol the day,
it was, like, the more, the merrier.
So il the government could just get to the kitchen,
rearrange some things,
we could certainly party with the Haiti-ans.
May I remind you that it does not say RSVP
on the Statue ol Liberty?
Thank you very much.
Amber, reply?
Mr Hall, how can I answer that?
The topic is Haiti,
and she's talking about some little party.
Hello(?) It was his 50th birthday.
Whatever(!)
Il she doesn't do the assignment, I can't do mine.
Ladies.
Does anyone have any thoughts on Cher's oration? Elton, comments?
Yeah, my Cranberries CD's in the quad. I gotta go get it.
I can't permit that.
Any lurther insights?
- I have one, Mr Hall. - I'm all ears.
OK, the way I leel about the Rolling Stones
is the way my kids are going to leel about Nine lnch Nails,
so I shouldn't torment my mom.
Yes, well, it's a little oll the subject ol Haiti,
but tolerance is always a good lesson.
Even when it comes out ol nowhere.
And with that in mind,
I'm going to distribute your report cards.
Now, is Christian Stovitz in this class?
The buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody.
He'll be spending one semester in Chicago
and one semester here.
I think it is a travesty ol the legal prolession.
Thank you lor that perspective, Cher.
Could all conversations please come to a halt?
And could the suicide attempts
please be postponed till the next period?
Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over lirst period.
I got a "C" in debate?
Dee?
Did you get your report?
Yeah. I'm toast. And you?
I choked. My lather's going to go ballistic.
Mr Hall was way harsh.
He gave me a C-minus.
He gave me a "C", which drags down my average.
- Bye. - I'll call you.
Isn't my house classic?
The columns date all the way back to 1972.
Wasn't my mom a Betty?
She died when I was just a baby -
a lluke accident during a routine liposuction.
I don't remember her, but I pretend she watches over me.
Hey, Mom. 98 in geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?
Yuck! The maudlin music ol the university station?
Wah wah wah!
Yuck! What is it about college and cry-baby music?
Hey.
Who's watching the Galleria?
Is the llannel shirt a nod to the crispy Seattle weather?
Or are you staying warm in lront ol the relrigerator?
Oh, wow, you're lilling out there.
Your lace is catching up with your mouth.
- I went by Dad's ollice. - He's not your dad.
Go torture a new lamily.
Just cos Mom re-marries doesn't mean he's my lather.
That's exactly what it means.
I hope you're not thinking ol staying here.
I sure want to(!)
I got a place near school.
Shouldn't you study on the east coast?
I hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.
You're lunny(!)
Hey!
You just got here, and already you're playing couch commando.
In some parts of the universe,
it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.
I SO need lessons lrom you on how to be cool(!)
Tell me that part about Kenny G again.
Come on, you chuckleheads! Get in here!
Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than at Easter.
I don't think so.
His head looks bigger.
Josh, have you thought any more about corporate law?
Yeah, but I'd like to check out environmental law.
What lor? You want to have a miserable, lrustrating lile?
Josh will always have that.
He knows what he wants to do and he's in a good college.
I wish you had some direction.
- I have direction. - Yeah. Towards the mall.
Where's your report card?
- It's not ready yet. - Not ready?
Some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy.
You say never accept a lirst oller.
These grades are a jumping-oll point to start negotiations.
Very good.
- Dee? - Hello? Yeah, Jake. What?
- No! Not the alternoon! - You are such a brown-noser.
You are such a superficial space cadet.
Why should your teachers change your grades?
I've done it every other semester.
I told my PE teacher
an evil male had broken my heart.
So she raised my "C" to a "B".
They're horrible! Don't leel bad!
And they're all like this.
Then I promised Miss Geist
I'd start a letter-writing campaign to my congressman
about violations ol the Clean Air Act.
But Mr Hall was totally rigid.
He said my debates were unresearched, unstructured,
and unconvincing.
As lF!
I lelt impotent and out ol control,
which I really hate.
I needed to lind sanctuary
in a place where I could think and regain my strength.
What's wrong?
Are you sullering lrom buyer's remorse or something?
No, it's just that I don't know what to do about Mr Hall.
I've tried to convince him ol my scholastic aptitude,
but I was brutally rebulled.
He's a miserable little man
who wants to make everyone else miserable, too.
Dee, that's it!
We've got to ligure out a way to make Mr Hall sublimely happy.
Here's the 41 1 on Mr Hall -
he's single, he's 47,
and he earns minor ducats at a thankless job.
What that man needs is a good, healthy boink lest.
Unlortunately, there was a babe drought in my school.
The evil trolls lrom the math department were married.
Ooh, Snickers.
And in the grand tradition ol PE teachers,
Ms Stoeger seemed to be same-sex oriented.
Ol course, there was always Miss Geist.
Something told me not to discount Miss Geist.
Well, sure, she has runs in her stockings,
and her slip is always showing,
and she has more lipstick on her teeth than mouth.
..popular uprisings lrom estates to the General Assembly!
God, this woman is screaming lor a makeover.
I'm her only hope.
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds ol May,
"but thy eternal summer shall not lade."
- Did you write that? - It's a lamous quote.
- From where? - Clill's Notes.
Run along. See you third period.
Try to remember to bring our textbooks.
Oh, my God! She actually looked happy.
Classic!
Paradoasm Banolshon... 16 tardies to work oll.
Janet Hong...no tardies.
Travis Birkenstock... 38 tardies.
By lar the most tardies in the class. Congratulations.
This is so unexpected.
I don't have a speech prepared, but I'd like to say this.
Tardiness is not something you can do all on your own.
Many, many people contributed to my tardiness.
Thanks to my parents lor never giving me a ride to school,
the LA bus driver lor taking a chance on an unknown kid,
the wonderful crew at McDonald's lor making those Egg McMullins,
without which I might never be tardy.
If Mr Birkenstock has no political messages
to include in his speech, I'll go on.
Cher Horowitz...two tardies.
I object! Do you recall the dates ol these tardies?
One was last Monday.
Mr Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave.
- I had to go to the ladies. - You mean women's troubles?
- I'll let that one slide. - Thank you, Mr Hall.
Miss Geist was right about you.
What do you mean?
She said that you were the only one in school with intelligence.
Cher, get in here.
Yes, Daddy?
Tell me what the hell this is.
A second notice lor three outstanding tickets.
I don't remember getting a lirst notice.
The ticket is the lirst notice. And you've no licence!
Oh, you can get tickets any time.
Well, not around here you can't.
From this moment on, you will not drive, sit,
do anything in that Jeep without a supervised driver.
No cruising around with Dionne.
Two permits do not equal a licence. Do I make mysell clear?
Yes, Daddy.
Cher, I expect you to become a good driver.
I will. I'm going to practise real hard.
OK.
A licensed driver with nothing to do?
Where would I lind such a loser?
Granola breath, something's on your chin.
I'm growing a goatee.
You can't be the last one at the collee-house without chin pubes.
I do enjoy these chats, but in the interest ol saving time,
just tell me what you want.
OK.
So, actually, I have a permit, but Daddy says
I can't take the Jeep out without a licensed driver.
Since you're not doing anything...
What are the chances ol you shutting up till you win?
Slim to none.
Come on.
Hey, James Bond.
In America, we drive on the right.
I am. You try driving in platlorms.
I got to get back to school.
Want to practise parking?
What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.
What class you going to?
Actually, I'm going to a Tree People meeting.
We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
How fabulous.
Getting Marky Mark to take time out to plant trees.
Josh, why don't you hire a gardener?
Maybe Marky Mark wants to use his popularity
Ior a good cause, make a contribution.
In case you've never heard, a contribution is...
I have donated many ltalian outlits to Lucy.
And when I get my licence,
I intend to brake for animals.
And I've spent hours helping two lonely teachers lind romance.
I bet it serves your interests more than theirs.
Il you did anything not 90%%% sellish,
- I'd die ol shock. - Reason enough lor me.
Would you call me sellish?
No. Not to your lace.
Really?
Is Josh giving you his post-adolescent idealistic shit?
Look, there's Mr Hall.
Mr Hall! Mr Hall!
Um, do you drink collee?
Not from this cafeteria.
Yes, under normal circumstances.
I am such a retard.
When I packed Daddy's lunch, I gave him my lemon Snapple
and took his sucky ltalian roast.
- Do you want it? - Are you sure?
It might stunt my growth.
I want to be 5'10" like Cindy Crawlord.
But you or Miss Geist might like it.
Maybe you could share it.
Well...thanks.
Sure.
Miss Geist!
Did you sign up lor the environmental lair?
We will.
You have pretty eyes. Don't hide them.
These clips are so cute.
And this tiny little waist.
Look. Wow.
Girls.
Oh, don't lorget to sign up lor the environmental lair.
Not a total Betty, but a vast improvement.
We did our best.
We got to book to PE.
Come on, Dee.
I leel like bailing, dude.
I know what you mean, but at least it's exercise.
I feel like such a heifer.
I had two bowls ol Special K, three pieces ol turkey bacon,
Iive peanut M&M's, and three pieces ol liquorice.
My God, look!
Is that a photo op or what?
Look at that body language... Iegs crossed towards each other.
That's an unequivocal sex invite.
Oh, Cher, he's getting her digits.
Look at Geist. She is so cute.
Ohh.
Old people can be so sweet.
The entire student body was utterly gratelul
Ior the improvement in their grades.
Cher, what's this all about?
My report card?
The same semester?
- Did you turn in extra credit? - No.
- Take the mid-terms over? - Uh-uh.
You mean to tell me
that you argued your way lrom a C-plus to an A-minus?
Totally based on my powers ol persuasion. You proud?
I couldn't be happier il they were real grades.
Fabulous.
I lelt so satislied, I wanted to do more good deeds.
Dee, when your allergies act up, take out your nose ring.
Follow...through! There you go.
All right, Cher!
Earth to Cher. Come in, Cher.
Ms Stoeger...
I would just like to say
that physical education in this school is a disgrace.
I mean, standing in line lor 40 minutes
is hardly aerobically ellective.
I doubt I worked oll the calories in a stick ol gum.
You sure exercise your mouth. Hit the ball.
Ms Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Thanks lor the legal advice.
Dionne, you're up.
I have a note lrom my tennis instructor.
I shouldn't do any training that might derail his teachings.
Fine.
Amber!
My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity
where balls lly at my nose.
Well, there goes your social lile.
Ms Stoeger... I got another one.
Ladies, we have a new student with us.
This is Tai Frasier.
You could hit a lew balls in those clothes.
She could be a larmer in those clothes.
Dee, my mission is clear.
Would you look at that girl? She is so adorably clueless.
We've got to adopt her.
She is tow-up. Our stock would plummet.
Don't you want to use your popularity lor a good cause?
No.
Come here! Yeah, come here.
Hang with us.
Oh, thank you.
- How do you like Calilornia? - Man, I'm lreakin'.
I could really use some sort ol herbal relreshment.
We do lunch in 10 minutes.
We don't have any tea, but we have Coke.
You guys got coke here?
Yeah. This is America.
So we showed Tai the ropes at Bronson Alcott High School.
That is Alana's group over there.
They do the TV station.
They think that's the most important thing on Earth.
And that's the Persian malia.
You can't hang with them unless you own a BMW.
There's Elton in the white vest,
with all the most popular boys.
Including my boylriend. Ain't he cute?
Il you do date a high-school boy,
they're the only acceptable ones.
Which one ol them's your boylriend?
As lF!
Cher's got attitude about high-school boys.
It's a choice every woman has to make lor hersell.
Woman, lend me $5.00.
Murray, I've asked you repeatedly not to call me woman.
Excuse me, Miss Dionne,
street slang is an increasingly valid lorm ol expression.
Most leminine pronouns do have a mocking,
but not necessarily misogynistic undertone.
Wow. You guys talk like grown-ups.
Well, this is a really good school.
I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want?
Sure.
She's nice.
Ooh! Project!
Oh, wow.
That's disgusting.
That's a nice representation.
Thanks.
Those are nice stickers.
I was thinking it was too cluttered.
I want to concentrate on one main decorative statement,
Iike Marvin the Martian there.
- I can do Marvin the Martian. - Really?
There's not a lot to him, but do you want to see?
Here.
- Wow! That's really cool. - Thanks.
Wait. I got one here.
- You didn't trace this? - Uh-uh. No.
Here's another one over here... and lots ol little guys.
That is so cute. You're really good at it.
- No. - No, really. You are.
Yeah.
- Are you sure that's lat lree? - Oh, yes.
And you lose weight by cutting it small.
I met a really cool guy.
Describe.
He's got long hair.
Straight oll, he ollers me some smoke.
There he is!
- Are you talking about drugs? - Yeah.
- Tai, how old are you? - I'll be 16 in May.
My birthday's in April, and as someone older,
can I give you some advice?
It's OK to spark up a doobie at parties,
but don't get lried all day.
Do you see the distinction?
Yeah.
Loadies generally hang on the grassy knoll.
Sometimes they come to class and say bonehead things,
and we all laugh, ol course,
but no respectable girl actually dates them.
You don't want to start oll on the wrong loot, do you?
I've got an idea.
Let's do a makeover.
No. No.
Cher's main thrill in lile is a makeover.
A sense ol control in a chaotic world.
Please?
Sure. Why not?
Shit, you guys, I've never had straight lriends belore.
Squeeze your buttocks when you come up.
Squeeze in.
I don't wanna do this any more.
My buns don't leel nothing like steel.
OK. It gets easier. I promise...
as long as we do it every day, not sporadically.
How do you know il we're doing it sporadically?
We've got to work on your vocabulary.
Sporadic means once in a while. Try using it today.
From now on, we're alternating Cindy Crawlord's "Aerobicize"
and "Buns ol Steel"
and reading one non-school book a week.
My lirst book is "Fit or Fat".
Mine is "Men Are lrom Mars, Women Are lrom Venus".
Good. That takes care ol our minds and bodies,
but we should do something good lor mankind lor a bit.
Hey, brainiac.
Ugh. The dreaded ex.
Tai, this is Josh.
Nice to meet you.
Hey! You know about this stull.
I want to do something good lor humanity.
How about sterilization?
- What do you think? - I'm amazed.
That I'm devoting mysell to someone else?
That you lound someone even more clueless to worship you.
I'm rescuing her lrom teenage hell.
The wounds ol adolescence can take years to heal.
You've never had a mother.
You're treating her like a Barbie doll.
- Freshman psych. - I am not taking psych.
I'm going to take that lost soul and make her popular.
Her life will be better because of me.
How many girls can say that about you?
Mentos better
Mentos fresher
Fresh goes better
With Mentos, lresh and lull ol lile!
Mentos. The freshmaker.
- Be seeing ya. - Yeah, I hope not sporadically.
Do you see how boys are responding?
- My heart is totally bursting. - I know!
- Cher, you have Deamer? - Geist.
- Hey, Tai, did you get a llyer? - Uh-uh. Thanks.
Wow! A party!
It's in the Valley.
The cops usually break them up belore you get there.
- It's just local loadies. - Will Travis be there?
- I thought we'd moved on? - Don't sell yoursell short.
You've got something no one here has.
I'm not a virgin.
Mystery. You could be the most popular girl in your school.
The lact that you hang with Dee and l...
..speaks very highly ol you.
Il you strike now, you can have any guy that you want.
Like who?
Who's available? There's Bronson...
I got it! Elton's just broken up with Folette!
Who's Elton?
He's way popular. He's like the social director ol the crew.
He can get you into any concert. I noticed him scoping you out.
- He was looking at me? - Says you gave him toothache.
- How'd I do that? - He thought you were sweet.
Yeah?
Yeah? Wow!
Is that true?
- No. - You are so bad!
OK, you guys, all get together.
That is great.
Smile!
Tai, get a little closer.
Closer, Tai.
Oh, great.
Hey, Elton, um...
Put your arm around Tai.
All right.
Yeah, that's good.
OK.
OK. Tai. Come here, Tai.
- Hold that. - OK.
OK.
- Cool picture. - Doesn't she look classic?
Yeah, she's beautilul.
She's like one ol those Botticelli chicks.
Why don't you make me a copy ol this, OK?
Sure.
Hi, Daddy. This is my lriend Tai.
Get out ol my chair!
Thank you, Lucy. It looks great.
What is this crap?
It's lrom the "Low Cholesterol Cookbook".
You've got to get down to 200.
- No calls tonight. - But it might be important.
We're having a nice lamily dinner.
So, uh, what did you do in school today?
Well...
I broke in my purple clogs.
Yeah, hello?
Dee? What up?
So check it. Murray passed by Elton's locker.
Taped up inside was your picture ol Tai.
Oh, my God.
Elton's got your picture in his locker.
Oh, no shit!
Hello(?)
The whole crew is going to this party in the Valley.
Bye.
We're going to have to make a cameo at the Val party.
No!
Just look at the map. Sun Valley is north.
- No. All I see is Bel Air. - You're on the wrong map.
Look at the number on the top.
There are no numbers. There's letters.
Murray, shut up.
Listen, Tai, when we get there,
make sure Elton sees you, but don't say hi lirst.
Look like you're having lun and you're popular.
Talk to a guy in his eye line. Make him come to you.
Find an excuse to leave during the conversation.
- Always have him wanting more. - I got it.
Heads up!
Oh! Did you see that?
Skateboards. That is, like, so live years ago.
You guys came. That's great.
You want a beer? I'll get one.
No.
Yeah! Oh, yeah! This shit is whack.
This is raging.
Let's do a lap before we commit to a location.
Aah! Hey!
Who was that?
Cher, ain't that the same dress that you was wearing yesterday?
Say, Ambular.
Hi!
- Been going through my laundry? - As lF!
Like I would wear something lrom Judy's.
Do you preler lashion victim or ensembley challenged?
That clone.
You look much better in that dress.
Hey!
Ruin my satin shoes, why don't you?
I'm sorry.
Excuse me. My shoes.
This is so not fixable.
It's a small price to pay to the party gods.
I'll make amends. How about some chronic shit?
It's the least you can do.
Let's spark it.
Hey, Elton's over there.
Act like Travis is saying something lunny.
Sorry.
What's so lunny?
Nothing.
Oh, here.
Hey, everyone. Let's play suck and blow.
God, Elton! Can you suck?!
It's Dee! Come on!
What have you done? Oh, my God!
Why did you do this to your head?
'Cause I'm keeping it real.
Look what he's done! Can you believe this?
- Look at Lawrence's head. - It's the bomb!
- You look good! - As will you.
What do you care what he thinks? I have to look at you!
What am I going to do with you now?
And right belore the yearbook pictures!
You know what? OK. That's it.
- I'm calling your mother. - Hold up! No, no, no!
Wait! Don't call my mom!
Yo, man! Chill! Chill!
Don't call my mom!
The same thing happened at the spring dance.
- She stayed in the bathroom. - That almost destroyed my buzz.
I'm still baked.
What do you say we go bump into people?
I'm cool with that.
Hey, Tai! Wait up!
Are you OK?
Yeah. Where's your sense ol pit hospitality?
That was so cool the way you did that.
I wish I could do it.
Oh, no. Don't.
Why not?
Il girls did it, how would guys impress them?
I don't know, like...
stull.
What kind ol stull?
Tai, I need you.
Elton's over there.
Tai!
Elton, help me!
Use this.
You guys should use ice.
Travis, we've got it under control!
Tai, are you OK?
Travis, Tai would have wanted you to enjoy the party.
Keep her conscious. Ask her questions.
- What's seven times seven? - Stull she knows.
- That's some bump you got. - Yeah.
- You ready to go back there? - Yeah, I am.
Sure? Can you do this?
- Rollin' with the homies - Rollin' with the homies
Good! Let's do it. You're ready.
I had to give mysell snaps
Ior all the good deeds I was doing. It was great.
Love was everywhere,
and even though I was alone,
I was really happy lor Tai.
It's like that book I read in ninth grade...
"'Tis a lar, lar better thing doing stull lor other people."
- Hello? - Do you know what time it is?
A watch wouldn't go with this outlit, Daddy.
Where are you?
Having a snack with my girllriends.
- Where? In Kuwait? - Is that in the Valley?
I expect you to walk in this door in 20 minutes.
It might take longer than that, Dad.
Everywhere in LA takes 20 minutes.
Sorry to make you leave.
Dionne's bucking lor best dramatic actress at a Val party.
Hey, Summer.
Hi. Pretty random liesta. Need a ride home?
- That's great. Thanks. - No, I got her.
I'm by Wilshire and Linden.
That's right near me. I'm above Olympic.
Great. Tai will go with Summer. Cher, you'll come with me.
Actually, il you take Wilshire, that turns into Benedict.
Then she'd have to go back south,
and I'm already going north.
But you could take Tai on your way up to Sunset.
That doesn't make any sense.
I'd have to get oll the lreeway. I hate that.
Tai, go with Summer. Cher, come with me. Watch your leet.
Didn't Tai look cute tonight?
Away
Turn away, turn away
Turn away
I really love her hair when it's all wild, you know?
It's also very pretty when it's all up
with that curly tendrils,
Iike in that picture I took.
You know, you're one ol my best lriends,
and I do NOT have lriends that are girls.
Well, I'm glad, because your happiness means a lot to me.
It does?
Sure. I saw how hard your break-up with Folette was.
Yeah. I think we both know what it leels like to be lonely.
Whatever. The thing is, I'd like to see you settled.
Where are we going?
I knew it.
- I knew it. - You knew what?
That you were totally sprung on me.
Hello(?) Don't you mean Tai?
- Tai? - Her picture's in your locker.
The picture YOU took.
Oh, I'm having a "Twin Peaks" experience.
- I knew when you kissed me. - Suck and blow is a game.
- I know it's a game. - Stop it!
Fine. You know, I don't get you, Cher.
You llirt with me all year...
As lF! I have been trying to get you with Tai!
- Tai? Why would I go with Tai? - Why not?
Why not? Don't you even know who my lather is?
You are a snob and a hall.
Cher, listen to me. Me and Tai...
We don't make any sense. All right?
Me and...and you...
Well, I mean...it makes sense.
- Cut it out! - Come on!
Stop it!
Cher! Where you going?
You're only hurting yoursell here, baby.
You gonna walk home? Get back in the car, please.
Get back in the car.
Leave me alone!
Fine!
Hey! Where are you going?
Oh, shit!
Valley lnlormation.
Do you have a number ol a cab company?
- Which one? - I don't know.
Hand it over. Give me the phone.
OK. The bag, too.
Come on!
All right. Now, uh... Get down on the ground lace down.
Come on!
Oh, no. You don't understand. This is an Alaia.
An a-what-a?
It's, like, a totally important designer.
I will totally shoot you in the head.
Get down!
That's good. Yeah. All right.
Um...
Count to 100. Thank you.
One...
two...three...
The evening had turned into a royal mess...
Sexually harassed, robbed...
I didn't know the number ol the party to call Dionne.
Daddy would kill me il he knew where I was.
There was one person, and l really didn't want to call him.
Come on.
Hello.
Josh, you busy?
It's Mel's daughter.
I was at this party, and my driver tried to attack me.
I got out, but then he drove oll and deserted me.
Then this guy with a gun took my money and my phone,
yelled at me, and lorced me to ruin my dress.
OK. OK.
Um, where are you?
Sun Valley.
Man, you owe me.
The man is ridiculous.
He doesn't have one unique thought in his puny brain.
I think that there's some merit in learning lorm straight oll.
Oh, Josh, please!
He's taken our minds at the most lecund point
and restrained them belore they've wandered
through the garden ol ideas.
It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own sell be true."
No. Hamlet didn't say that.
I think that I remember Hamlet accurately.
Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately,
and he didn't say that.
That Polonius guy did.
I'll see Heather to her door. Try and stay out ol trouble.
Ew! My lile is turning into a bigger disaster than Malibu.
I didn't know what I'd say to Tai.
I lelt really nervous.
Even Fabian, my masseuse,
said I had a lot ol tension in my back.
- It's my hips, isn't it? - No, ol course not.
Don't be stupid. You could do better.
- He thinks he's all that. - Yeah. God's gilt.
You're too good lor him.
Il I'm too good lor him, then how come I'm not with him?
Let's blow oll seventh and eighth,
go to the mall, have a calorie lest,
and see the new Christian Slater.
Yes!
Oh, you guys!
Look at him. Ooh, baby.
Break me off a piece of that.
Survey says?
Doable.
Puny. I like them big.
Oh, I hate muscles.
I don't really care either way.
Just as long as his you-know-what isn't crooked.
I really hate that.
What?
- Shh! Don't scare her. - Why? What's wrong?
Cher is saving hersell lor Luke Perry.
Cher, you're a virgin?
God! You make it sound bad.
Besides, the PC term is "hymenally challenged".
I am not interested in doing it until I lind the right person.
You see how I choose my shoes - they only go on my leet!
- You're one to talk, Dee. - Oh, wait a minute!
I thought that you and Murray were...
My man is satislied. He's got no complaints.
But technically, I am a virgin. You know what I mean.
Oh, God.
What's wrong, Tai?
They're playing our song...
the one that Elton and I danced to.
Oh.
Rollin' with the homies
Oh, Tai. Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my gosh. Stop!
I could tell Tai's grieving period
would be considerable,
unless I lound someone
to take Elton's place right away.
I don't want to be a traitor to my generation,
but I don't get how guys dress today.
It looks like they just lell out ol bed
and put on some baggy pants
and cover their greasy hair up with a backwards cap,
and, like, we're expected to swoon?
I don't think so!
Searching lor a boy in high school
is as useless as searching lor meaning
in a Pauly Shore movie.
So this must be the elusive Christian.
- Where should I park? - There's one. Third back.
OK. OK.
Now, I know I said I'd lind a guy lor Tai,
but there's no harm in linding one lor mysell also.
Nice stems.
Thanks.
- Cher? - Present.
We've done the attendance. It's time lor your oral.
Excuse me?
Your oral is on violence in the media.
Oh!
So, OK. They say there's too much violence on TV,
and that should stop.
Even without the violent shows, you could still see the news.
So until we stop having violence on the news,
there's no point in taking it out ol shows
that need it lor entertainment value.
Thank you.
Any comments?
My loot hurts. Can I go to the nurse?
Travis?
Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.
Fine holiday lun.
Hello(?) Was I the only one listening?
I mean, I thought it reeked.
I believe that was your designer impostor perfume.
I dug it.
During the next lew days,
I did what any normal girl would do.
I sent mysell love letters and llowers and candy,
just so he'd see how desired I was,
in case he didn't already know.
And anything you can do
to draw attention to your mouth is good.
Also, sometimes you have to show a little skin.
This reminds guys ol being naked,
and then they think ol sex.
- Hey, Duchess? - Yes?
- You rashin' this weekend? - Huh?
Like Saturday.
I'm new, but I thought maybe you had an in
on the heavy clambakes.
Well, my ex-stepbrother's lriends are having a party.
Solid.
Suddenly, Daddy had an urgent case.
So Josh helped him go through a gazillion depositions.
- Daddy! - What?
I can't open it. I have to make him wait!
Then he can wait outside.
Josh, please!
Come on, Josh! Come on!
What do you hear?
She's not ready.
Hey, man.
Nice pile ol bricks you got here.
You drink?
No, thanks. I'm cool.
I'm asking you lF you drink.
You think I'd give alcohol to kids driving my daughter?
The protective vibe. I dig.
You think the death ol Sammy Davis
Ieft an opening in the rat pack?
Christian.
- Doll face. - Handsome.
Stunning.
You're not letting her go out like that, are you?
Cher, get in here. What the hell is that?
- A dress. - Says who?
Calvin Klein.
It looks like underwear.
Go upstairs and put something over it.
I was just going to.
Hey, you.
Anything happens to my daughter, I got a.45 and a shovel.
I doubt anybody would miss you.
Bye, Daddy.
Come on.
- Oh, it's so killer! - Thank you.
- Your dad is pretty scary. - lsn't he?
- You like Billie Holiday? - I love him.
Right.
I didn't like him.
What's to like?
- Should I go to the party? - ll you leel like it.
You don't need me, do you?
No, no.
Josh, go to the party. Go, go, go.
OK. Uh...
- I'll watch her lor you. - OK.
You do that.
Tai!
Whoa!
Oh, my God!
Tai, are you OK?
Shit! That is so embarrassing!
No one saw it.
Now all night long,
I'll be known as that girl who lell on her butt.
Wow! Are you OK? That looked really bad.
Yeah. Thanks.
Oh, my God, Cher. Look. He's going with Amber?
No. He's probably just dancing with her.
- Do you think she's pretty? - She's a Monet.
What's a Monet?
It's like the paintings, see?
From lar away, it's OK. Up close, it's a big old mess.
Christian, what do you think ol Amber?
Hagsville.
See?
They're charging lor Brewskies. Pass me a lin. I'll pay it back.
Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, he's so cute!
Oh, my God. See how he's lalling in love with me?
I mean, look how he ignores every other girl.
Oh, God, look. There's Josh.
He linds the only adult in here,
Iike he's deliberately trying to not have lun.
Cher, I have a question. What should I do with this?
Should I tie it around or put it over...
- Tie it around your waist. - Ready to slide? Let's go.
The band was kickin',
and Christian was the hottest guy there.
But my enjoyment was put on pause
when I saw how unhappy Tai was.
Hi.
- I think we were born to move. - What?
Look! Josh is dancing with Tai! He never dances!
I can see why.
No. He's doing her a prop so she won't be lelt out.
Oh, I dig you.
- How are you guys holding up? - I am so ready to leave.
- Tired. - Let's get Christian and go.
- Want to go? - Now?
These guys got the skinny on the happening later.
- My trainer's coming early. - Oh.
- I can take them home. - That's OK.
- It's line. Stay. - You sure?
- Sure. - Thanks. You got my mark.
You are a down girl. I'll call you tomorrow.
It was really decent ol you to dance with Tai.
My pleasure.
You notice any positive changes in her?
Yeah. Under your tutelage,
she's exploring the challenging world ol bare midrills.
You didn't want to make a night ol it with the ring-a-ding kid?
Daddy wouldn't go too ballistic. It's not like he'll sleep.
Not il they're going to linish those depos.
It would be dope il we got some really delicious take-out.
I bet they haven't eaten.
That would be pretty "dope" ol us.
Let's do it.
The midnight snack totally revived the lawyers,
and Daddy was way gratelul.
Eat oranges. Get vitamin C. Daddy, no!
- Cher, come on. - You can't have that.
I know it sounds mental,
but sometimes I have more lun vegging out than partying.
Maybe because my party clothes are so binding.
How many hours a day do you spend grooming yoursell?
Some people aren't lucky enough
to be as naturally adorable as you are.
Stop it. You're making me blush.
Hello.
- Hi, Cher. How are you? - Hi, Gail.
Is my son there, cleaning out your relrigerator?
No, no. He's not here.
- Try the dorms. - All right. Bye, hon.
Bye-bye. What was that all about?
She wants me home lor spring break.
So? Nobody will be in school.
Husband number four's at home.
His idea ol acting like a lamily is to criticise me.
You'll roam around campus by yoursell?
I don't mind.
That is stupid.
Come here. Have your old room. There will be great parties.
No.
Why not?
You got your whole social world going on.
- I'd get in the way. - You won't be in the way.
How much lun would it be having a brother-type along?
Josh, you're not my brother.
You know what I mean.
You need some excitement in your lile.
It will replenish you lor your linals.
OK.
Good.
I can't believe I'm taking advice
Irom someone who watches cartoons.
Be quiet, you idiot!
That's Ren & Stimpy.
They're way existential.
Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
No. Why, do I sound like I do?
Christian said he'd call the next day.
In boy time, that meant Thursday.
Imagine my astonishment to hear lrom him while packing Daddy up.
He said he'd come over with some videotapes.
A night alone with Christian? I sent lor reinlorcements.
Then Dee and I had to design a lighting concept.
And costume decisions.
I don't rely on mirrors,
so I always take Polaroids.
Whenever a boy comes, you should have something baking.
Oh...I'm still all red!
I'm trying to make you as white as I can, Cher.
Look, you're all llushed. Calm down, OK? Calm.
I am so glad I never did it
with someone I had lukewarm leelings lor.
Christian is brutally hot.
I am going to remember tonight lorever.
Blot.
- Hi. - Hi.
Is something burning?
Oh, my God!
Oops.
Aw, honey, you baked.
I tried.
Come on. Show me the rest ol your pad.
Your lather has a well-rounded collection.
Daddy says it's a good investment.
He's absolutely right.
Claes Oldenburg.
He's way lamous.
Ooh.
But this is older, see?
Transitional.
A very important piece.
Um, you want to go swimming?
Mmm...
Let's watch the movies.
Oh, OK.
Christian had a thing lor Tony Curtis,
so he brought "Some Like It Hot" and "Sporadicus".
Singer ol songs.
For whom did you practise this wondrous talent?
For the children ol my master,
whom I also taught the classics.
Classics, indeed? What position have we, I wonder,
Ior a boy ol such varied gilts?
You shall be my body servant. Instruct him...
My leet are cold.
Huh. Thanks.
Oh, watch this part. This is good.
Are you OK?
Uh, I'm line.
Um, do you want some... something to drink? Some wine?
No. You notice how wine makes people want to feel, like, sexy?
Well, that's OK.
I'm actually getting tired.
But I can make you some collee il you'd like.
Oh, no, thanks. Got the ulcer.
But you had all those cappuccinos belore.
Oh. Well, you know, that was, like, uh, loam.
You're great. We're lriends, right?
Yeah.
Knock me a little kiss.
See you.
I don't get it.
Did my hair get llat?
Did I stumble into some bad lighting?
What's wrong with me?
Nothing. Maybe he really was tired.
I suppose it wasn't meant to be. He does dress better than I do.
What would I bring to the relationship?
Get in lane. What's the lirst thing you do?
First thing I do is I put on my blinker... Shit.
- Watch the road! - All right! Stop.
Then I look in my mirror. OK. Then I glance at my blind spot.
With your head, not the whole car!
I swear to God, woman! You can't drive lor shit!
- I don't hear that. - Hear me! You...
Actually, going all the way is a big decision.
I can't believe I was so capricious about it.
- I almost had sex with him. - Who?
Christian.
What?
Yo, look! Are you bitches blind or something?
Your man Christian is a cake boy.
A what?
He's a disco-dancing, Oscar-Wilde-reading,
Streisand ticket-holding lriend ol Dorothy.
- Uh-uh. No way. - He's gay.
- Not even. - Yes, even.
He does like to shop, Cher,
and the boy can dress.
Oh, my God. I'm totally buggin'.
I feel like such a bonehead.
What the hell?
Yo! You're getting on the lreeway!
Turn right! Get out ol the lane! No, no! Forget procedure!
Get out ol the lane! Truck! Truck! Truck!
- We're on the lreeway! - What do I do, Murray?
Go straight! Go straight! Go straight!
Oh, shit!
Just relax and drive, baby. Just relax and drive.
OK.
I'm here with you. I'm here with you.
Shut up!
Whatever you do,
keep your hands on the wheel at all times!
Look, just go! There's an exit over there to the right!
Oh, there it is.
All right, we're oll.
Damn. You did wonderful.
It's all right, baby. Relax, relax, relax.
Honey, relax. Baby, relax.
Breathe, breathe. Breathe in. Breathe.
Let it out. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Relax, relax.
Boy, getting oll the lreeway makes you realise
how important love is.
After that, Dionne's virginity
went lrom technical to non-existent.
I realised how much I wanted a boylriend ol my own.
Not that Christian wasn't a blast to hang out with.
He was becoming one ol my lavourite shopping partners.
Um, where's Tai?
She met some random guys at the Foot Locker
and escorted them right over there.
Oh, my God! Did you...
I don't know where she meets these Barneys.
- I have a question. - What?
The jacket...
Is it James Dean or Jason Priestley?
Carpe diem, OK? You looked hot in it.
Really?
Il I lall, would you guys catch me?
Could they please be more generic?
Stop it!
Please! Bring me back up!
Please, stop it!
Let me down!
Thank you.
- You asshole! - Hey, we're just joking.
Oh, really? Somebody could get killed.
Oh, my God. Cher, you don't understand.
I was sitting there, talking to those guys.
All ol a sudden, we were laughing and...
- You OK? - Yeah.
- You sure? - I'm line.
- Let's get some R and R. - What's that?
Boy, considering how clueless she was,
Tai certainly had that damsel-in-distress act down.
Meanwhile, back at school, everyone was talking
about Tai's brush with death.
Was it a montage ol all your lile?
Not exactly a montage...
Hey, Cher, is it true gang members tried to shoot Tai?
No.
That's what everyone's saying.
Whatever.
When I was 9, I lell oll this Junglegym. I swear I saw this...
Will you move down lor Cher?
- Tell me more. - Where was l?
You were thinking about what's really important.
Right, right. Right belore you die,
your mind just sort ol gets very clear.
It's a very intense, spiritual thing.
I know when I was held at gunpoint...
Excuse me. You were saying?
It's spiritual. I can't pinpoint the spirituality.
- ll you've never experienced... - Tai, I was going to Tower
and getting something lor Christian.
Some kind ol present. Want to come?
Sure. I owe him my lile.
I'll get you alter school.
Yeah. Oh...
Not today. I'm going over to Melrose with Amber.
We're going to Melrose.
Oh. Well, how about tomorrow?
Could we do it next Monday? My week's lilling up last here.
So, when we got back lrom the lHOP, it was 8:.00.
Here comes your boylriend.
Tai, check it out.
Hey, could you shove down a bit?
- No. - Hello?
Don't the slackers preler that grassy knoll over there?
Tai, so anyway, have you ever done it in water?
- Oh, yeah. - Really?
What was happening?
Dionne asking Tai lor sex advice?
Tai being the most popular girl in the school?
It was like an alternate universe.
On top ol everything else,
I was going to take the driving test,
so I had to lind my most responsible-looking ensemble.
Where's my collarless shirt lrom Fred Segal?
Lucy, where's my shirt?
Probably at the cleaner.
Oh, but today's the driving test.
It's my most capable-looking outlit.
OK, I call them.
Oh, it's too late now.
We got a notice lrom the lire department to clear the bush.
You said Jose would do it.
He your gardener. You tell him.
- Lucy, I don't speak Mexican. - I not Mexican!
Great. What was that all about?
Lucy's lrom El Salvador.
So?
- It's a dillerent country. - What does that matter?
You get upset il someone thinks you live below Sunset.
So everything is my lault. I'm always wrong?
You're such a brat.
I had an overwhelming sense ol ickyness.
Even though I apologised to Lucy,
something was still plaguing me.
Josh thinking I was mean was making me postal.
Move into the right lane.
Why should I care what Josh thinks?
Why let it throw me into such turmoil?
Watch out lor the bike rid...
Oops! My bad.
What are you doing? You can't take up both lanes.
Get in the right lane.
Not so...
Ooh! Should l write them a note?
Pull over up here and turn oll the engine.
Right there.
Oh!
Are you taking me somewhere to make lelt-hand turns?
- We're going back. - It's over?
It's over.
How did I do?
Well, let's see, shall we?
You can't park, you can't switch lanes,
you can't make right turns, you've damaged property
and you almost killed someone.
Ollhand, I'd say you lailed.
Failed?
Well, can't we just start over?
I'm having a personal problem. My mind's somewhere else.
That biker came out of nowhere!
Oh! I swear I'll concentrate! I drive really good, usually.
Isn't there somebody else I can talk to?
You can't be the linal word in driver's licences.
Girlie, as lar as you're concerned,
I'm the messiah of the DMV.
Now get out ol the car.
I can't believe I failed.
I lailed something I couldn't talk my way out ol?
Go ahead, yeah. Put your legs into me.
Hey, you're home.
- How is it having a licence? - I wouldn't know. I lailed.
Oh. Bummer.
Josh, spare me your lectures
on how driving is such a big responsibility
and you can't BS your way through it.
- I didn't say anything. - I know what you're thinking.
I got to tell you something.
I'm really sorry about your test.
There's something I got to do. I need you here. Does this work?
Yeah. What is this stull?
A bunch ol junk that reminded me ol Elton.
I want to burn it because I'm SO over him.
What stull?
Do you remember when we were at the Val party
and the clog knocked me out and Elton got a towel ol ice?
I didn't tell you at the time,
but I took the towel as a souvenir.
- You're kidding. - No.
And then...
Remember the song playing when we danced?
Remember that?
You know, "Rollin' with the Homies".
Anyways, I got the tape, right?
I listened to it, like, every single night.
Don't burn that, OK?
Tai, I'm really happy lor you,
but what brought on this surge ol empowerment?
It's, like, I met this guy who's so totally amazing,
- Elton looks like a loser. - That is so great.
Look, you've got to help me get Josh.
Get Josh what?
You know what I mean? I like him.
- Does he like you? - Yeah.
How do you know?
Like, little things, you know?
Like, he always linds some sort ol way
to touch me or tickle me.
Do you remember the time at the lrat when I was depressed?
We danced, and he was really llirty.
You OK?
Yeah. Oh, actually... I was really bad today.
I had two mochaccinos. I feel like ralphing.
I know exactly how that leels.
Like, the other day, I was talking to Josh,
and we were discussing the dillerence
between high-school girls and college girls.
College girls wear less make-up. That's why guys like them more.
But, Tai, do you really think you'd be good with Josh?
He's, like, a school nerd.
Am I some sort ol a mentally challenged airhead?
No! Not even! I didn't say that.
I'm not good enough lor Josh or something?
I...I just...don't think you mesh well together.
YOU don't think that WE mesh well?!
Why am I even listening to you to begin with?
You're a virgin who can't drive.
Oh, that was way harsh, Tai.
All right. Look, I'm really sorry.
Let's just talk when we've mellowed, all right?
I'm audi.
What did I do?
I've created some sort ol a monster.
I could leel the chunks start to rise up in my throat.
I had to get out.
Everything I think and everything I do is wrong.
I was wrong about Elton. I was wrong about Christian.
Now Josh hated me.
It all boiled down to one inevitable conclusion...
I was just totally clueless.
This Josh and Tai thing was wiggin' me more than anything.
What was my problem? Tai is my pal.
I don't begrudge her a boylriend. I really...
Ooh! I wonder il they have that in my size.
What does she want with Josh anyway?
He dresses lunny.
He listens to complaint rock.
He's not even cute... in a conventional way.
I mean, he's just like this slug
who hangs around the house all the time.
And he's a hideous dancer. Couldn't take him anywhere.
Wait. What am I stressing about?
This is, like, Josh.
OK, OK, so he's kind ol a Baldwin.
What would he want with Tai?
She couldn't make him happy.
Josh needs someone with imagination,
someone to take care ol him,
someone to laugh at his jokes...
in case he ever makes any.
Then suddenly...
Oh, my God.
I love Josh!
I am majorly, totally, crazy in love with Josh.
But now I don't know how to act around him.
Ordinarily, I'd strut around him in my cutest little outlits
and send mysell llowers and candy,
but I couldn't do that stull with Josh.
What's with you?
What do you mean?
You're so quiet.
You haven't made me watch "The Real World".
I care about the news.
Since when?
Since now.
..in central Bosnia...
You look conlused.
Well, I thought they declared peace in the Middle East.
- Cher, get in here! - What's up, Daddy?
Why are you doing?
Nothing. I just wondered il you need any help with anything.
You can help me with something.
Come over here.
All right.
Every time that you see a telephone conversation
that took place on September 3rd, highlight it.
- Just September 3rd. - OK.
It's lun, huh?
Yeah.
OK.
Did you ever have a problem you couldn't argue your way out ol?
Tell me the problem and we'll argue it.
I like this boy, and he likes someone else.
- How could that be? - I don't know. I feel wretched.
This boy is a moron.
You are the most beautilul girl in Beverly Hills.
And to tell the truth, I don't want you with a lella like that.
Well, actually, he is a smart guy.
He's one ol those do-gooder types.
I leel like my alter-school commitments aren't good enough.
How can you say that? Who takes care ol everyone in this house?
Who makes sure I eat right?
I have not seen such good-doing since your mother.
Really?
Really.
Now, get back to work.
Later, while we were learning about the Pismo Beach disaster,
I decided I needed a complete makeover,
except this time, I'd make over my soul.
But what makes somebody a better person?
Then I realised all my lriends were good in dillerent ways.
Like Christian wants things to be beautilul and interesting.
Or Dionne and Murray,
when they think no one is watching,
are so considerate ol each other.
And poor Miss Geist, always trying to get us involved,
no matter how much we resist.
Oh. That's just...
that doesn't even show...
every single possession, every memory,
everything you've had your whole lile
gone in a second.
Can you imagine what that must leel like?
Elton?
Can I use the pass?
Yeah. We'll be collecting blankets, disposable diapers,
canned goods...
- Miss Geist? - Cher?
I want to help.
That would be wonderful.
I lelt better already.
Daddy!
What?
You didn't like that red caviar, did you?
What's she talking about?
Ew!
Cher, what are you doing?
I'm captain ol the Pismo Beach disaster reliel.
I don't think they need your skis.
Daddy, some people lost all their belongings.
Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?
This is your inlluence, Josh?
It's so pretty.
Should I leave it here?
Could you bring it to bedding?
Thank you very much.
Oh, Miss Geist, I need more boxes.
- They're all lull. - Great.
I divided them into entrées and appetisers.
Oh... OK. I'll have them picked up.
Hey.
Proper. This is really decent ol you, Travis.
Sure.
I wasn't sure about that.
I don't need it any more,
but lar be it lor me to deny anyone else.
I'm sorry about your shoes.
What shoes?
The red ones with the strappy thing.
Those are so last season. What made you think ol them?
It's one ol my steps. I joined this club and there's, like...
- 12? - Yeah. How did you know?
- Wild guess. - Wow. Good guess.
Uh, also, here.
- "ASL"? - Amateur Skateboarding League.
This clarity thing, it's brought me to a whole new level.
My skating... would you come Saturday?
Sure.
Ah, cool.
Well, um, I guess kitchenware?
That's where I used to keep it.
- Hi. - Hi.
Cher, can I talk to you a minute?
Um, sure.
I have been in agony I can't believe I went oll how I did.
No. I have been going down a shame spiral.
I was so unsupportive ol your leelings lor Josh.
You're entitled to your opinion. I'm the tart here.
Cher, you've been nothing but super-duper nice to me.
Il it wasn't lor me, you wouldn't have liked Elton.
- I'm so sorry, Tai. - I'm really sorry.
Oh, shit. Now I'm going to go ahead and cry.
Let's never light again, OK?
Next up, number 14, Travis Birkenstock.
Whoo! All right, Travis!
I had no idea he was so motivated.
Oh, I did.
When I saw the sparks I knew Josh was out the picture.
You look like Pippi Longstocking.
You look like Forrest Gump.
Who's Pippi Longstocking?
Uh, someone Mel Gibson never played.
You're lunny.
What happened to the August 28th liles?
Hmm? What?
Mel wanted them tonight. There were twice as many.
He's going to go ballistic. Where are they?
I think I checked them lor the September 3rd conversations.
What?
- Where'd you put them? - I divided them into two piles.
I have to redo all that. Are you some kind ol idiot?
- Hey, she didn't know. - She set us back a day.
- Now we're screwed! - I'm sorry.
Just lorget it. Go back to the mall or something.
What's your problem, man? She didn't mean any harm.
- She's a moron. - She's not a moron.
Il you were paying attention, it wouldn't have happened.
Il you didn't play lootsie, she wouldn't bother me.
What the hell are you talking about?
This is a multimillion-dollar lawsuit,
not an excuse lor puppy love.
We've worked our butts oll on this case!
Do what you want with your butts. I'm calling in sick.
Did I really ruin Daddy's lawsuit?
No.
Ol course not.
Well, did I set him back?
I mean, there's so much to be done.
He can't afford to lose time.
Don't worry. I'll take care ol it.
Your lather won't lose any time.
Can you imagine the nerve ol that guy?
I mean, making you worry like that.
He's the one that screwed up. Then he goes and blames us.
Imagine saying we were... you know.
That's right. You've been very dedicated to this case.
Yeah. Well, it was a good learning experience lor me.
I want to be a lawyer.
But you, I mean, you don't need to be doing this.
Go out and have lun. Go shopping.
You think I'm just a ditz with a credit card?
No, no.
That's not what I meant.
It's just...um...
Uh, the...
You're...young...
and beautilul and...
And?
And, uh, well, what?
You think I'm beautilul?
Mmm...yeah, a little.
You know you're gorgeous, all right?
And popular and, uh, and...
But this is not why I come here.
This is a good learning experience lor me.
You already said that.
Mel. I want to help out Mel.
He's the only one who cares about me.
That's not true.
He's not?
No.
Are you saying... you care about me?
Josh.
Well, you can guess what happened next.
As il! I am only 16.
This is Calilornia, not Kentucky.
You may kiss the bride.
I know that when I have my own wedding,
I want this, like, whole, entire lloral motil,
Iike, very lloral garlands.
No, no. When I get married, I'll have a sailor dress.
My bridesmaids will wear sailor hats.
They're planning our weddings already.
Stop that "till death do us part" mumbo-jumbo?
I'm completely buggin'.
I'm buggin' mysell.
Girls, she's about to throw the bouquet!
Come on!
We got a pool to see whose girl gets the bouquet. It's $200.
It's in the bag.
All right, come on, girls.
Hey! Over here! Over here!